Yesterday I said to Katie that tomorrow/today will be 1 year since Aragorn! died. We then had a short conversation on the subject, where she said that she remembered me not entirely liking A!. I responded by saying that I found him difficult and often didn’t like him, and that he was largely considered with anarchist discourse to be a hostile arsehole; but that there is/was more than that. I went on to say I value/love/miss him, in part for the digital places that anarchists can use and for his thoughts on anarchism-without-a-roadmap, but more so for the moments of care he showed me and for how he supported my writings. I had other individuals who had collaborated with him previously encouraging me not to, but I chose to ignore them, because I felt that working with A!, regardless of what I found dislikeable, was in my well being, which it was, as I feel that I’m unlikely to have become who I am today if it weren’t for his, albeit virtual, presence in my life.
Over the last few months I have regularly thought back to my last video conversation with A! and how it was actually the best we’d ever had. A! told me about some of his early more-situationist inspired writings, plans he had for the coming years and how Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of his favourite films, with us agreeing to watch it together when we met in person. I saw the film in December and I felt a mixture of sadness and joy; sadness that I’d never watch it with my friend and joy for what of him I saw in the film.
There are incidents that I am somewhat aware of through retellings, where A!’s apparent involvement disgusts me. When I think on these I remember that I’ve not always done things I later approve of, am disliked by some for friendships I have had and do not experience myself as a creature who is disgusting!
Whatever criticism and hate I have or will receive for having collaborated with A!, I will likely continue to experience them with feelings of bitterness, for how shallow they often are, and joy to have had some intensity of experience of an individual who was so powerful (and lacking authority).